Coaching at the Point of Contact:
A Gestalt Approach

Herb Stevenson

About 30 years ago, I was part of a consulting firm that provided training to banks. While in Georgia completing a three day training, I had an indelible moment. An indelible moment is when something occurs that you know will change a relationship or how you engage the world. In my case it was both.

The night before the workshop was completed, I had been to dinner with the workshop sponsor. Several of the sponsor's support staff joined us and as the night progressed it became obvious that they had had more than a few too many drinks. The conversation ended up in a "let's beat on the boss". As it progressed, I became curious and did a gestalt intervention of reversing the polarity by asking "is there anything that the sponsor does well". Both were stunned, maybe from realizing that they were doing or that I had interrupted their story (as a gestalt coach tends to do). As their pause became more deafening, I gave several examples of best practices I had observed the sponsor, their boss, do over the course of several years of working together. Both acknowledged that this was true and suddenly decided to end the conversation by noting they had drank too much and were going to bed.

The next day as I was getting my bags from the car to run into the airport, the sponsor stopped me to say thank you for what I had said and done the night before. Predisposed to getting on the plane in time, I said "no problem" and proceeded to walk into the airport. In my peripheral vision, I realized that he had had a reaction to my response. As happens, it was an indelible moment. Our relationship would never recover and I have spent the last 30 years trying to understand what happened.

Indelible Moments

Since then, I have used that indelible moment to try to understand how people miss each other in what I have come to call vulnerable moments. It is a vulnerable moment if the client for whatever reason is suddenly feeling exposed or embarrassed either through realizing they said more than they felt is appropriate or they become unexpectantly emotional and the coach is not adequately present to support the client out of the exposure. It can become an intimate moment if both people remain fully present to the moment resulting in something changing between or within the person(s). It often is indelible as we remember it as a point in time where a significant interaction occurred.

As coaches, we might see versions of these moments with our clients. It might appear that the client suddenly connects to you as a coach or connects to the coaching such that the client can make the necessary changes to more fully be the leader they seek to be. It often has a sense of a vulnerable moment that leads to some type of intimacy by the client and possibly with the coach. However, what about those moments that we do not see coming, where the client becomes vulnerable, and instead of leading to a breakthrough (intimate moment), it goes awry and becomes "the end of the coaching" moment. The client stammers, possibly becomes embarrassed or completely shuts down by re-armoring, and/or flies into a rage.

Presence/Vulnerability Dynamic

Over the years, I have tracked these indelible moments with my clients and discovered that there is a dynamic that occurs by the client, the coach, and within the dyad. The dynamic is an ongoing dance between vulnerability and presence that when balanced, a moment of insight or intimacy can occur. When out of balance, it can lead to the client and/or the coach to be knee deep in active inertia, embarrassment, humiliation, or shame. It seems that this dynamic occurs at the I-Boundary, where my sense of "I" stops and "you" or the world begins. In many ways, it could be considered where the conscious and energetic sense of my self meets the conscious and energetic fields of others and the world. It is a place of permeability. When fully present, I can choose how permeable (vulnerable) to be. When not fully present (nearly unconscious to my own sense of self), the permeability is open to triggers that seem beyond my control.

Figure 1: I-Boundary Contact Model© 2005. The point where My sense of "I" ends and "you" begin. The quality of contact is based on adequate internal and external support that has been created over time that can be resourced in the moment

Quadrant 2

Exposed: High level of vulnerability and low or no sense of presence (self) from unexpectedly meeting or crossing the I-Boundary leading to an experience of being exposed, embarrassed, etc.

+

V
U
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E
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A
B
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Y

Quadrant 1

Intimate: Balanced or measured degrees of presence combined with vulnerability leading to contact at or with the IBoundary creating moments of intimacy with self and the coach resulting from new awareness, insights, or the capacity to be one self in this moment.

-              Presence 0                 Presence                +

Quadrant 3

Numb: Contact with the I-Boundary or fear thereof leads to closing down such that the client experience low or no vulnerability and low or no sense of presence leading to active inertia, numbing, zoning out, dissociating, etc.

V
U
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N
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A
B
I
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Y

-

Quadrant 4

Rational: Contact with the I-Boundary leads to an experience no vulnerability and high sense of presence leading to a strong rational experience of self and other. If the vulnerability has triggered a sense of humiliation leading to a shutdown of the client, the client could rage on the coach.

 

Quadrant 1: The Possibilities for Change

Understanding the wide range of how vulnerability can lead to intimacy or humiliation, we begin to understand that the ability of both the client and the coach to stay fully present with self and other can lead to an insight. In many cases, by supporting the client to understand presence through checking into oneself on a frequent basis, they create a deeper physical, emotional, and mental awareness. For example, if we look at Figure 1: Contact Model, we can clearly see, using the X/Y axis to create the presence/ vulnerability dynamic, the upper right hand corner is where the coach will likely garner the greatest results. If the coach is able to be a container by maintaining an awareness of his or her balance between presence and vulnerability while supporting the client to find the same balance, albeit a small amount, the potential for successful work occurs by supporting the client to meet and possibly cross the I-boundary. For example, while working with a CEO of a major corporation, work had been slow and tedious with no apparent shifts in the client's awareness or behavior. While reviewing the 360 results, he noted he had heard all of the feedback before ( and apparently was not going to do anything about it now, either). Holding the edge of my internal anxiety, I asked how not changing had served him. Then, I asked how not using the feedback for changing had not served him. After a visceral reaction, he asked me to summarize the 360 results and the changes that were being suggested by his board, direct reports, and significant others. After I finished, he maintained steely eye contact for well over a minute, then provided a succinct description of what was not working now and what he needed to begin doing to be effective. I agreed. All of the changes were implemented without regression in the 12 month follow-up.

Quadrants 2 & 3: Possibilities for Exposure/Numbing

If the coach creates the safe container and is not able to support the client to develop and sustain a similar balance, in a nanosecond, the client can suddenly have a flood of vulnerability that overwhelms them thereby pulling them into the upper left quadrant where the client feels embarrassed and potentially exposed. For example, while delivering 360 results to a senior executive, the impact of the results suddenly pierced her stern demeanor and an emotional outburst occurred. While sobbing, the executive apologized profusely, as she was bewildered and embarrassed by the tears. Feeling a double bind of being embarrassed for being publicly embarrassed she approached humiliation. Just as abruptly as it started, the emotion stopped. Any sign of emotion was gone and any sign of embarrassment vanished. She had moved down to the lower left hand quadrant of no vulnerability and no presence. She seemed zoned out as she excused herself and left the room and the coaching relationship.

Recovery from Quadrants 2 & 3

In a similar situation where the client was visibly moving into a flood of emotion, I asked the client why he thought this occurred. As he quickly redirected his focus and began to think about it, the emotional reaction and sense of vulnerability began to wane. Thinking is a rational process that does not require vulnerability. As such, he immediately had a rational explanation of having caught himself off guard. Providing the life line out of the overwhelm, we were able to redirect the coaching relationship by teaching him the contact model. He began to understand his own sense of presence and vulnerability and how to manage it most effectively.

A side note is in order. When teaching the client the model, it can be used to avoid any sense of vulnerability or it can be use to manage vulnerability more effectively, consistent with true leadership skills. There has been a tendency for self preservation until the client develops sufficient skill at staying fully present while managing the level of vulnerability in such a way as to be effective.

Quadrant 4: Return to Presence

The final quadrant is the lower right hand, where there is no vulnerability and a lot of intellectual presence. Frequently, this is the area that many senior executives reside 90% of the time. It is often felt like the safe haven for being a good executive and provides a safeguard against any situations that could feel embarrassing or a sense of humiliation. Interestingly, the dark or shadow side of this quadrant is that if the client does move from the 4th quadrant into more vulnerability by passing through the 1st quadrant albeit briefly, in a nanosecond, the client can swing into the 2nd quadrant feeling totally exposed. Once this occurs, there can be a moment when all expression seems to freeze as the person flies into the 3rd quadrant. Occasionally, the person will stay in the 3 rd quadrant, however, often the person will return to the 4th quadrant and begin to shred the coach with razor sharp intellect. The client felt humiliated and unleashed his fury.

Bringing this back to the Gestalt, the contact model enables us to track the I-Boundary for the client, our self as coach, and in time the dyad. Gestalt experiment is frequently associated with expanding the individual's I-boundary. The experiment seeks to draw out and stretch the habitual sense of boundary. In the experiment, the Gestaltist encourages the client to "try-on" behaviors that feel alien, frightening, or unacceptable within the secure container of the coaching session. Most seasoned coaches have heeded Erv Polster's insight into how to experiment by creating safe emergencies which fosters the development of self-support for new experiences.

Conclusion

The I-Boundary Contact Model is heavily embedded with Gestalt theory. It is not necessary to know the underlying theory, only to practice using the model. If you are interested, I am working on a more theory laden version of this article that will be posted on the website.

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